Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting

One of the coolest things about 21st-century technology and the series of tubes that we call the interweb is the ability to collect things that would otherwise have eluded us. Take, for instance, comic books.....many of us had stacks and stacks of them as kids, but they were either purged long ago or, if we still have them, it's difficult to justify (as adults) the space required to keep a million back issues of, say, "Walt Disney's Uncle Scrooge." We have more important things to take up our storage space now....like the Blu-Ray edition of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Thanks not only to official releases from major companies, but also the perserverance and dedication of collectors all around the world, it is now possible for us to acquire digital copies of those old comic books, not only our old friends, but also thousands of comics that we never had in the first place. Well, I've been collecting these digital comics for a while now, and today I stumbled across an old friend: The Amazing Spider-Man, issue number 136 from September 1975, when I was a wee lad of just six years old. Let's check it out, shall we?

First of all, dig that incredible cover. Peter Parker and Harry Osborn screaming at each other in red-tinged fury, whilst their alter-egos do battle above them. Is it any wonder that the six-year-old Scott HAD to have this comic? And isn't The Green Goblin just the baddest-ass villain EVER? I mean, look at his bat-shaped flying machine and his Jack-O'Lantern bombs...now that's some serious cool.

On the left here we have the inside cover. We are promised three BIG drafting kits that will be GIVEN TO YOU, so that you can get a HIGH PAY JOB IN DRAFTING!!!!!!!!

But seriously, look at that guy. Reasonable haircut, completely ridiculous short-sleeve dress shirt, tie. I bought this comic to fantasize and being SPIDER-MAN for heaven's sake. Why on earth would I aspire to this guy's job? It really does make me wonder how much business this drafting company drummed up by buying these ads.

Here we have the first page proper of the actual story. NOW we're talking! Check out Peter Parker, and what a sweet life he's got; just chilling in New York City on a Sunday afternoon with a red-hot red-head hottie (and secretly, he's Spider-Man!). This page has completely made me forget that I might get a high-paying job in drafting. I think I'd rather wait for an opening in the superhero department.

And what have Peter and Mary Jane been doing all day? Well, among other things, they caught a "Kung Fu flick." Pay attention; you'll see this again.

Here's an incredible two-page spread advertising a toy I never had: BIG JIM. Again, it's readily apparent that Jim is not in the field of drafting; you'll never catch HIM wearing a short-sleeve dress shirt, no-siree. No, instead Jim does karate chops on wooden blocks, karate chops on red bricks, and has his own martial arts studio.

Holy schnikies, what's up with all that Kung Fu stuff? Was America really that obsessed with it in 1975? I mean, it's not all that our three-dimensional Jim can do; he can also kick field goals, post a mean lay-up and smack grand slams. But clearly, Kung Fu is his passion. Dirty little secret: In my copy of this comic, I have filled in (partially) the crossword puzzle. I wanted to win that Kung Fu studio something fierce; too bad I never entered the contest!

Holy crap! What's this? An ad for KARATE (in letters that look vaguely Asian)? Damn, I guess we were obsessed; this is the third martial arts reference in just the first ten pages of this comic. Surely there won't be any more...............

D'OH!!!! I just made it to page 15...just five pages.....and there's ANOTHER ad, but this time you can do Kung-Fu and Karate (still in the vaguely Asian looking lettering). This one looks cooler, though, because instead of the cheesy red-headed cartoon guy on page 10, we actually have a deadly-looking Asian guy. I'd go with Page 15 for my Kung Fu lessons, that's for sure.

And finally, we get to what was probably my favorite page of the entire book, because it had an ad promising a new magazine for my biggest obsession of the 1970s: Planet of the Apes! Those of you who know me well know that I am an Apes fan of gargantuan proportions (how many people do YOU know that has seen every episode of the Apes Saturday morning cartoon? Yeah, I didn't think so!), and this little ad fascinated me. First of all, it's a great drawing; the agony on the face of the chimpanzee is palpable. But it's also a little mysterious....why does the gorilla have the chimp in chains? What did he do? It sort of goes against the whole ethos of the Apes philosophy, where the apes looked out for one another, and scape-goated the humanoids. It's a small ad, but I think it's still sort of captivating to this day.

Despite this ad, I didn't get an issue of Marvel's Planet of the Apes magazine until number 8, but after that I got pretty much every issue thereafter (except for one issue which mysteriously eluded me, and I didn't know why....until years later when I saw the large-breasted woman on the cover. Now I'm wondering if my mom saw it on the newstands, thought about getting it for me, then thought better of it: "Yeah, I'll just pretend I didn't see this one.").

The Marvel Planet of the Apes magazine was pretty marvelous (all of my original copies are beat to death, evidence of how often I pawed through them), but that's a blog for another day.

But it does make me wonder why on earth no-one did a comic book about the most obvious thing of all, something that would have sold in the millions in 1975: KUNG-FU APES!!!!!