Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting

One of the coolest things about 21st-century technology and the series of tubes that we call the interweb is the ability to collect things that would otherwise have eluded us. Take, for instance, comic books.....many of us had stacks and stacks of them as kids, but they were either purged long ago or, if we still have them, it's difficult to justify (as adults) the space required to keep a million back issues of, say, "Walt Disney's Uncle Scrooge." We have more important things to take up our storage space now....like the Blu-Ray edition of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Thanks not only to official releases from major companies, but also the perserverance and dedication of collectors all around the world, it is now possible for us to acquire digital copies of those old comic books, not only our old friends, but also thousands of comics that we never had in the first place. Well, I've been collecting these digital comics for a while now, and today I stumbled across an old friend: The Amazing Spider-Man, issue number 136 from September 1975, when I was a wee lad of just six years old. Let's check it out, shall we?

First of all, dig that incredible cover. Peter Parker and Harry Osborn screaming at each other in red-tinged fury, whilst their alter-egos do battle above them. Is it any wonder that the six-year-old Scott HAD to have this comic? And isn't The Green Goblin just the baddest-ass villain EVER? I mean, look at his bat-shaped flying machine and his Jack-O'Lantern bombs...now that's some serious cool.

On the left here we have the inside cover. We are promised three BIG drafting kits that will be GIVEN TO YOU, so that you can get a HIGH PAY JOB IN DRAFTING!!!!!!!!

But seriously, look at that guy. Reasonable haircut, completely ridiculous short-sleeve dress shirt, tie. I bought this comic to fantasize and being SPIDER-MAN for heaven's sake. Why on earth would I aspire to this guy's job? It really does make me wonder how much business this drafting company drummed up by buying these ads.

Here we have the first page proper of the actual story. NOW we're talking! Check out Peter Parker, and what a sweet life he's got; just chilling in New York City on a Sunday afternoon with a red-hot red-head hottie (and secretly, he's Spider-Man!). This page has completely made me forget that I might get a high-paying job in drafting. I think I'd rather wait for an opening in the superhero department.

And what have Peter and Mary Jane been doing all day? Well, among other things, they caught a "Kung Fu flick." Pay attention; you'll see this again.

Here's an incredible two-page spread advertising a toy I never had: BIG JIM. Again, it's readily apparent that Jim is not in the field of drafting; you'll never catch HIM wearing a short-sleeve dress shirt, no-siree. No, instead Jim does karate chops on wooden blocks, karate chops on red bricks, and has his own martial arts studio.

Holy schnikies, what's up with all that Kung Fu stuff? Was America really that obsessed with it in 1975? I mean, it's not all that our three-dimensional Jim can do; he can also kick field goals, post a mean lay-up and smack grand slams. But clearly, Kung Fu is his passion. Dirty little secret: In my copy of this comic, I have filled in (partially) the crossword puzzle. I wanted to win that Kung Fu studio something fierce; too bad I never entered the contest!

Holy crap! What's this? An ad for KARATE (in letters that look vaguely Asian)? Damn, I guess we were obsessed; this is the third martial arts reference in just the first ten pages of this comic. Surely there won't be any more...............

D'OH!!!! I just made it to page 15...just five pages.....and there's ANOTHER ad, but this time you can do Kung-Fu and Karate (still in the vaguely Asian looking lettering). This one looks cooler, though, because instead of the cheesy red-headed cartoon guy on page 10, we actually have a deadly-looking Asian guy. I'd go with Page 15 for my Kung Fu lessons, that's for sure.

And finally, we get to what was probably my favorite page of the entire book, because it had an ad promising a new magazine for my biggest obsession of the 1970s: Planet of the Apes! Those of you who know me well know that I am an Apes fan of gargantuan proportions (how many people do YOU know that has seen every episode of the Apes Saturday morning cartoon? Yeah, I didn't think so!), and this little ad fascinated me. First of all, it's a great drawing; the agony on the face of the chimpanzee is palpable. But it's also a little mysterious....why does the gorilla have the chimp in chains? What did he do? It sort of goes against the whole ethos of the Apes philosophy, where the apes looked out for one another, and scape-goated the humanoids. It's a small ad, but I think it's still sort of captivating to this day.

Despite this ad, I didn't get an issue of Marvel's Planet of the Apes magazine until number 8, but after that I got pretty much every issue thereafter (except for one issue which mysteriously eluded me, and I didn't know why....until years later when I saw the large-breasted woman on the cover. Now I'm wondering if my mom saw it on the newstands, thought about getting it for me, then thought better of it: "Yeah, I'll just pretend I didn't see this one.").

The Marvel Planet of the Apes magazine was pretty marvelous (all of my original copies are beat to death, evidence of how often I pawed through them), but that's a blog for another day.

But it does make me wonder why on earth no-one did a comic book about the most obvious thing of all, something that would have sold in the millions in 1975: KUNG-FU APES!!!!!

A Date With Death!!

So, it's been more than ten months since I posted anything. One reason is because what I was doing was a LOT of work; not only did I watch the movies that I was writing about, but then I did things like track down the movie poster, other appropriate illustrations, etc. Then, on top of it, what was my feedback? Nothing! Nada! It didn't seem worth it.

Just recently, however, my lovely wife Laura prodded me into getting it going again, and I came to the realization that my blog didn't have to be some sort of massive endeavor every time, and I could just post frequent updates of a much smaller nature. So, here I am!

All of these realizations came at about the same time I acquired a large stack of "pulp fiction artwork"....covers of cheap paperback novels from the 1950s, 60s and 70s.....all of which seemed like perfect fodder to get this thing up and running again. So, without further ado, welcome back to Ape City; now let's check out the cover for THE BLANK WALL.

I decided to start with this one because it has everything. Of course, your eye is drawn immediately to the hottie brunette in her bikini (and yet, check out those Granny bottoms. There's enough fabric there for three or four bedsheets; not exactly hot, if you know what I'm saying). You're further attracted to her because she's got a red shawl or something wrapped around her shoulders.....wha???? Who goes boating in a bikini and a red shawl? But then, of course, there is the DEAD GUY.

How did he get dead? Well, the cover lets us know in awesome purple prose: "PLAYING WITH JAILBAIT EARNED HIM.....A DATE WITH DEATH!!!" Okay, now the bar has been significantly raised. Jailbait? That bikini girl is jailbait? I'm in!

(Before we leave the front cover behind, let me point out my favorite part: the little notice down below that says "Complete and Unabridged." Thank goodness! I know that when this book was originally published in a deluxe hardcover edition (a hand-tooled leather cover published by the Oxford Press, strictly limited to 1000 copies and each signed by the author), there was some concern that the paperback version would be abridged in some fashion. Thank goodness that everyone who can only afford to buy books at the drugstore won't be denied a single word of the genius of Elisabeth Sanxay Holding).

On to the back cover. Damn, this book sounds salacious! "BUT HE'S MARRIED!" it screams in red print. "And twice your age." Seriously, why don't you want to read this?

And there it is, in all capital letters and red print: DEAD. Sex, murder and scandal....everything you want in a novel, right?

I must say that I spent an unusual amount of my childhood browsing around in used bookstores and libraries, and while I always ended up with a Sherlock Holmes book, or an Agatha Christie book, or maybe something to do with Star Trek, these sorts of books were EVERYWHERE, and much of my time was spent wondering about the mysteries that lay behind the incredible covers. I'll never know, of course, but how nice that someone out there has bothered to scan these covers to keep (at least) the artwork alive for a little while longer.

Finally, I must comment on the super-cool Pocket Books logo. I LOVE that kangaroo! She's just having a hoot and a holler reading all of those books that conveniently fit into her pocket. Of course, that ignores the fact that she kicked out all of her joeys and they had to fend for themselves out in the Australian outback, but that's a small point. And finally, we have the reassurance that this is A GENUINE POCKET BOOK. Why is that so important? Was there a rash of bootleg Pocket Books flooding the market in the 1950s?

OK, Connery!!

So, what's the absolutely worst spy movie starring Connery? Obviously, it's Never Say Never Again, right? Or maybe Diamonds Are Forever?

No, sorry. The worst spy movie ever made starring Connery is Operation Kid Brother.

What? You've never heard of Operation Kid Brother? And you call yourself a James Bond fan?

Truth be told, it's not a James Bond movie. Oh, and it doesn't star Sean Connery, either. No, it stars his little brother, Neil Connery. Uh oh, I smell a bad movie.......

So, here's the story: sometime in 1966, an Italian film producer got the idea to cash in on James Bond mania, and make a cheapo spy spoof (which, of course, were all the rage at the time). Obviously, however, getting Sean Connery, riding high as Agent 007, was an impossible task.

They found out, however, that Neil Connery, Sean's little brother, was just sitting around Edinburgh doing nothing, so if they couldn't have Sean, then Neil it was!!

What makes Operation Kid Brother so notable, however, is the fact that the producers actually got veterans from the real James Bond movies to be in it. The heavy hitters, of course, are Bernard Lee (who played M, Bond's boss) and Lois Maxwell (Miss Moneypenny), but the film also features Adolfo Celi (the bad guy in Thunderball), Anthony Dawson (who is shot by Bond in Dr. No) and, probably the hottest Bond Girl of all time, Daniela Bianchi (who was famous for her role in From Russia With Love).

So, we've got a Connery, we've got some real Bond actors, we've got a great movie, right? If you think the answer is yes, then you've missed the point of this blog!

What went wrong with Operation Kid Brother (which was apparently known by several other titles, such as O.K. Connery. That's a new movie rule: A movie's quality is inversely proportional to the number of titles that it has)?

Well, to begin with, Connery's character isn't a spy. He's a plastic surgeon. Seriously. And the brilliant name that they came up with for his character? "Dr. Neil Connery." No, seriously.

He gets drafted into some sort of secret spy agency against his will, and after that all sorts of hijinks ensue. Such as? Well, I wish I could tell you, but this movie was so blindingly bad, I lost track of the plot, such as it is, about ten minutes into the film. It appears as if some sort of nefarious evil group wants to hijack some sort of nuclear stuff, blah blah blah. All I know is that this nefarious group is a direct ripoff of SPECTRE from the Bond films, right down to the secret meeting in an opulent European location, which begins with a creative assassination of a team member that didn't do his job. Thunderball, anyone?

Other than that....uh, I don't know. It's just a mish-mash of Adolfo Celi being forced to wear unimaginable things, hot Italian girls kicking the bejesus out of henchmen (I swear to God, there is a scene where all the Italian hotties dress up as sort-of kitty-cats (they actually look more like skunks) and climb onto a truck that is advertising a club called the Wild Pussy Club. I couldn't make this stuff up, even if I wanted to. And I don't.), Neil Connery being bland and Daniela Bianchi running around with nothing to do.

Oh, and did I mention that Dr. Neil Connery, surgeon extraordinaire is a hot shot.....archer? Yes, that's right....the big climax of Operation Kid Brother features Connery and Celi trying to kill each other with bows and arrows. That does not make for exciting cinema.

What a shock: this travesty of a film is not available on DVD (although I've heard that it was the focus of an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, so it may not be difficult to track down at least some sort of a version of it). But's here's the irony: the soundtrack CD is easily available! How on earth did that happen? Mostly because one Ennio Morricone was responsible for the score....and an annoyingly catchy score it is, too (which does borrow heavily from the late, great John Barry, natch). Apparently, the tapes were thought to be lost forever, but someone found them....so Morricone collectors can revel in the full score for this magnificent piece of crap. Funny how things turn out like that.....

Things I learned from this film:

1. Just because your brother is charismatic and awesome doesn't mean that you are.

2. Just because you were once in a James Bond movie, that does not guarantee that you will make good movies for the rest of your life (take that, Tanya Roberts!).

3. Evil villains really are lucky, since so many of their nefarious weapons involve a person standing RIGHT EXACTLY IN THAT SPOT. One foot to the left, and your hidden shooting speargun gadget is absolutely worthless (so, if you're a spy, just keep moving).

4. If you're a world-famous composer with over 400 film scores to your credit, at least a few of those movies will be absolute crap.