So, what's the absolutely worst spy movie starring Connery? Obviously, it's Never Say Never Again, right? Or maybe Diamonds Are Forever?
No, sorry. The worst spy movie ever made starring Connery is Operation Kid Brother.
What? You've never heard of Operation Kid Brother? And you call yourself a James Bond fan?
Truth be told, it's not a James Bond movie. Oh, and it doesn't star Sean Connery, either. No, it stars his little brother, Neil Connery. Uh oh, I smell a bad movie.......
So, here's the story: sometime in 1966, an Italian film producer got the idea to cash in on James Bond mania, and make a cheapo spy spoof (which, of course, were all the rage at the time). Obviously, however, getting Sean Connery, riding high as Agent 007, was an impossible task.
They found out, however, that Neil Connery, Sean's little brother, was just sitting around Edinburgh doing nothing, so if they couldn't have Sean, then Neil it was!!
What makes Operation Kid Brother so notable, however, is the fact that the producers actually got veterans from the real James Bond movies to be in it. The heavy hitters, of course, are Bernard Lee (who played M, Bond's boss) and Lois Maxwell (Miss Moneypenny), but the film also features Adolfo Celi (the bad guy in Thunderball), Anthony Dawson (who is shot by Bond in Dr. No) and, probably the hottest Bond Girl of all time, Daniela Bianchi (who was famous for her role in From Russia With Love).
So, we've got a Connery, we've got some real Bond actors, we've got a great movie, right? If you think the answer is yes, then you've missed the point of this blog!
What went wrong with Operation Kid Brother (which was apparently known by several other titles, such as O.K. Connery. That's a new movie rule: A movie's quality is inversely proportional to the number of titles that it has)?
Well, to begin with, Connery's character isn't a spy. He's a plastic surgeon. Seriously. And the brilliant name that they came up with for his character? "Dr. Neil Connery." No, seriously.
He gets drafted into some sort of secret spy agency against his will, and after that all sorts of hijinks ensue. Such as? Well, I wish I could tell you, but this movie was so blindingly bad, I lost track of the plot, such as it is, about ten minutes into the film. It appears as if some sort of nefarious evil group wants to hijack some sort of nuclear stuff, blah blah blah. All I know is that this nefarious group is a direct ripoff of SPECTRE from the Bond films, right down to the secret meeting in an opulent European location, which begins with a creative assassination of a team member that didn't do his job. Thunderball, anyone?
Other than that....uh, I don't know. It's just a mish-mash of Adolfo Celi being forced to wear unimaginable things, hot Italian girls kicking the bejesus out of henchmen (I swear to God, there is a scene where all the Italian hotties dress up as sort-of kitty-cats (they actually look more like skunks) and climb onto a truck that is advertising a club called the Wild Pussy Club. I couldn't make this stuff up, even if I wanted to. And I don't.), Neil Connery being bland and Daniela Bianchi running around with nothing to do.
Oh, and did I mention that Dr. Neil Connery, surgeon extraordinaire is a hot shot.....archer? Yes, that's right....the big climax of Operation Kid Brother features Connery and Celi trying to kill each other with bows and arrows. That does not make for exciting cinema.
What a shock: this travesty of a film is not available on DVD (although I've heard that it was the focus of an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, so it may not be difficult to track down at least some sort of a version of it). But's here's the irony: the soundtrack CD is easily available! How on earth did that happen? Mostly because one Ennio Morricone was responsible for the score....and an annoyingly catchy score it is, too (which does borrow heavily from the late, great John Barry, natch). Apparently, the tapes were thought to be lost forever, but someone found them....so Morricone collectors can revel in the full score for this magnificent piece of crap. Funny how things turn out like that.....
Things I learned from this film:
1. Just because your brother is charismatic and awesome doesn't mean that you are.
2. Just because you were once in a James Bond movie, that does not guarantee that you will make good movies for the rest of your life (take that, Tanya Roberts!).
3. Evil villains really are lucky, since so many of their nefarious weapons involve a person standing RIGHT EXACTLY IN THAT SPOT. One foot to the left, and your hidden shooting speargun gadget is absolutely worthless (so, if you're a spy, just keep moving).
4. If you're a world-famous composer with over 400 film scores to your credit, at least a few of those movies will be absolute crap.
